


Letters

by Samatoan (orphan_account)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Hurt Sam Winchester, Implied Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester, Implied Relationships, Mental Health Issues, Mild Hurt/Comfort, One-Sided Attraction, Pre-Season/Series 01, Stanford Era, a little harder, implied wincest, is that an era, maybe if you squint, schizophrenia au, schizophrenic sam, well yeah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-10
Updated: 2014-09-10
Packaged: 2018-02-16 16:45:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2277222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Samatoan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>GO TO http://archiveofourown.org/works/2277225/chapters/5004102 FOR ACTUAL FIC.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> heyo, I've been meaning to write this for a while. Please comment if you want this to be continued (hoping to make a series out of this). This hasn't been beta'd so yeah. Excuse the crap spelling.

** Prologue **

The bit before the beginning

He was always there, that man, following Sam around for as long as he could remember. Sam could never forget the disheveled blond hair, the sly grin that made its way on his face the first time he spoke. “ _Call me Lucifer”,_ those words never left Sam, just like Lucifer never left his side, even if Sam couldn’t see him he was there. Even when Sam told Dean about him, all he received was a light chuckle and the same remark, ‘ _he’s not real Sammy, just your imagination.’_  Sam knew he knew Lucifer was real, just like the men with the black eyes and vicious smiles.

 

Sam warned his father, he warned Dean that they were coming, but they didn’t listen. He should have made them listen, he should have done something. It’s his fault that his mother is dead, the demons got her and it is his entire fault.

 

And that little bit after

The morning rays refracted through the cracks in the dirt caked windows, illuminating Dean’s sulking figure. The light played against his slender figure, enhancing every curve, dip and definition of muscle that tugged against of the tight sleeve of his shirt. The coruscate glint in his emerald eyes lit up his face; it reminded Sam of a dew-drop sliding down a blade of grass slowly, glimmering in the sunlight. Dean's expression was guarded, obscuring that sadness that reflected off of his face as Sam angrily threw another jumper into his bag trying his hardest to block out his brothers plead.

"Sammy, I know you're pissed…" the only eligible repose Sam was able to coherently get out was an enraged snort. Pissed was an understatement, this was full blown anger. Sam was seeing red, he could feel it radiating off of him, how dare Dean come in and ask, no beg, for him to stay.

 

If you could see anger it would be swirling around Sam’s figure like a hurricane, unpredictable and merciless, coming off of his tall thin figure in waves of heat. 

 

"Yeah I'm pissed Dean! Why don't you go back to dad and your little secret club you're part of?" Sam snapped back, facing Dean now his hands were balled into tight fists.

 

"Dad and I don’t have a secret club, Sam-" Dean was abruptly cut off by a sharp wave of Sam's hand. "Sam please…"  
 

"No Dean! I'm sick of this! You and dad go off on 'work trips' without another word, or decent explanation of your absence. You just pack up and leave! I'm so sick of it!" Spinning around on his heels Sam grabbed his bag and a large wad of cash he had been secretly saving up, and stormed out of the room slamming the motel door behind him.

 

Dean blinked twice, stunned by Sam's sudden outburst. It'll be ok though, he'll be back. Sammy will come home, he has to… right? He couldn’t help feel a pang of guilt but dad was right, there was no way Sammy was getting involved in this hunter business. Dean would do anything to keep his Sammy safe, even if that meant pushing him away more.

 

Looking wistfully at the door one more time, Dean’s mind wandered to what his father would say. Nothing good, that’s for sure. It was his fault anyway, it was his fault Sammy left, it was his fault that Dean might never get to see his Sammy again.

 

**_\-----_ **

The countryside rolled by slowly as Sam pressed his forehead against the window, gazing wistfully as the scenery passed by in a blur of greens, yellows, blues and brown. It had been two days since his last fight with his dad, two days since he walked out, and two days since he last saw Dean. People say it hurts when you walk out on someone you love but no one ever said how much, not one person ever described the heart wrenching pain that came from leaving someone behind. Two days ago Sam left behind a piece of him that he didn’t know existed, a void now replaced the little thing that was beating in his chest. Dean stole it years ago and now he was gone.

 

It was like cutting off the stem of a rose, its beauty radiant but stealing it from its home, taking away what it needs to survive… the rose would die, wilt away till there was nothing left but to fall apart in the wind. Dean was the water that kept the rose alive, beautiful and thriving. Dean was the fire that fuelled Sam, the fire that kept the ice in his heart at bay. Without Dean Sam was nothing but a cold empty shell, awaiting the day when the wind will come and he will cease to exist.

 

Dean was everything…

 

Stanford wasn’t what Sam originally planned but at the time anywhere was better than home, not that he really had one. The impala was the only thing Sam had that could even resemble a home, its familiarity was always reassuring but that was all over now. It was his past, now all Sam wanted to look forward to, was his future. A Dean-less future, but that’s ok because it is the past, right?

 

Sam glanced through the corner of his eyes and as usual that familiar blond hair and smirk was following him around. It had been a while since his last appearance but it wasn’t missed, but there he sat alone at the back, hidden in the shadows. Ignoring his sudden appearance Sam focused on the front of the bus, trying to push the image of the man, the self-proclaimed Lucifer _,_ out of his mind.

 

 _“Heya Sammy”_ Sam grit his teeth, only Dean ever called him that, not some insufferably annoying man that looked like he crawled out of a rubbish tip.

 

Sam knew ignoring him was a terrible idea but it’s not like he had a choice, but that’s the thing with annoying men called Lucifer, they stick around till at least one of them is insane. Just a few more days, just a few more days and he’ll be gone again.

 

At that thought Sam felt something hit the back of his head, preceded by something wet. Just a few more days, you can do it _. C’mon Sam, pull yourself together_ ,the voice in the back of his head pressed _stop pitting yourself, it’s not like anyone cares._ This is gonna be a long trip

_“Hey Sammy, talk to me. I’m bored”_ Lucifer’s drawl sent shivers up Sam’s back, why wasn’t anyone looking or at least helping him. Why was he so invisible to anyone? Yep, this will defiantly be a very long road trip, but at least his future awaits. Pulling out a pen and paper Sam begins to write. _Dear Dean…_


	2. Dear Dean,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I miss you Dean, I miss you every day, don’t forget that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What? an update so early? Well here yah go.

2nd  December, 2001 

 

Dear Dean,

I'm sorry I left like that but you know I had no other choice. I'm not like you and dad, he doesn't want me around. He sends me away on weeks on end whilst you both ‘work’ or whatever the hell you do on those trips together. But seriously what the hell do you even do? Is it still a secret? What do I need to do to be part of your secret club, sacrifice a virgin or something? Anyways, I miss you. On my way to Stanford, I’m considering to study law. It sounds fun, lots of work though; I know dad would disapprove immediately. I'm rambling, sorry, this is just the longest we have and ever will be apart you know? 

Sam. W.

 

4th December, 2001

 

Dear Dean,

I just enrolled into Stanford; I'm waiting for the verdict now. I guess you could say I'm scared shitless because I have no idea what to do next. I'm working at three different places in hope of getting money but you know how college fees are. I made a few friends, they're great, they're not you but they're great. I honestly wish you were here; I miss you every god damn day, even dad. Well I hope I get in, but I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost Dean, I don’t know anyone and I miss you, I left and I’m just god damn lost. Why did you have to make me leave? Why did dad do that to me? I get that he doesn't want me, but why Dean.

Sam. W.

 

8th December, 2001

 

Dear Dean,

I got in! I bloody made it by some small miracle; I’m starting up in the Winter Quarter at the beginning of next year. Last letter I said I was scared, which I am, but not that way anymore. Yeah it’s been rough but I've got a proper part time job and I've met a few people. I don't care what I said before, I am glad I left. You and dad are fine without me. Besides, you know how great it is to be this free? Not daddy's little soldier, not having to spend an hour each day learning how to shoot a gun. I mean, what psycho teaches his kids to do that anyways, I should have put that on my resume. Other skills: decapitation, shooting a gun, lock picking, faking ID's. I'm sure that would sit well with the professors. It's a real good way to make friends, not that'd you know. Dad never let us have 'friends,' we moved around way too much.

Sam. W.

 

15th December, 2001

 

Dear Dean,

I made a new friend, huzzah. His name is Brady, he's a great guy, and he’ll be going to Stanford too. I think he is my first real friend; we never had friends you know, well I didn’t, not really. I can't really say with you, I mean you were always the popular one. I think I've already said this before. Do you even get these letters, or do you not care? I like to think that an elf is stealing them before you get them but not everyone's life is magical, I mean, we don't live in a book. Life is cold, hard and empty, without magic, monsters or anything besides the harsh reality of life, as Brady put it 'a sexually-transmitted, terminal disease." That sounds ‘bout right doesn’t it? Well I got my timetable, school starts up on the fifth of January, and it seems so far away. Did you know that that's less than a month away? Time goes by quickly, too quickly.

Sam. W.

 

25th December, 2001

 

Dear Dean,

MERRY CHRISMAS DEAN, I hope dad got you something nice. Scratch that, I hope dad's home, there's nothing like spending Christmas alone. I’m going out with Brady and a few other guys tonight, Christmas only comes round one a year, might as make the most of it. Remember our Christmases together? Alone cooped up in a shitty motel with barely enough food for both of us, shame you weren’t good at credit card scams then. Yeah I know about that, I just know when to keep my trap shut. Dad can’t do anything about that now. I miss you Dean, I miss you every day, don’t forget that.

Sam. W.

 

31st December, 2001

 

Dear Dean,

Last day of the year big brother, I miss you. This is the longest we've been apart, well will be. I wish you were here, going out with a few friends. Drinking, hustling some pool, you were always good at that. You’re good at everything, maybe besides school and keeping a single relationship, but hey, we’re only human. A year is gone and I’m almost nineteen years old, they say time flies but I never knew how much. These last few weeks have come and gone within the blink of an eye. Which is odd, maybe because I've gotten over leaving, I know it’s for the best so why mope around. As dad’ll say, don’t cry over spilt milk. Well he never really said it, but that’s the expression. Anyway, have a good last day of the year, don’t get too drunk!

Sam. W.

 

**TBC**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment, review whatever you want. It's all very much appreciated and makes me want to write more


	3. sigh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I AM AN IDIOT

Well call me stupid but apparently my computer made two copies of this fic and I didn't even notice. The proper one (which will be updated is this http://archiveofourown.org/works/2277225/chapters/5004102 so yes. Sorry about that. Whoops

**Author's Note:**

> please review and leave your constructive criticism, it is very much appreciated.


End file.
